Pope Francis' hymn to love and family life is more like a country song than a Disney tune.
In
"Amoris Laetitia" ("The Joy of Love"), Pope Francis' postsynodal
apostolic exhortation on the family, there is passion and devotion, but
also heartache and sweat. The "magic" he wrote about is not momentarily
sparkly, but the result of prayer, grace, hard work and a willingness to
apologize -- time and time again.
"Committing
oneself exclusively and definitively to another person always involves a
risk and a bold gamble," he wrote. But the payoff is huge.
The
papal reflection on love, family life and the importance of marriage
and child-rearing has sections that are deeply theological, pristinely
poetic or even homiletic, like his reflection on the meaning of each
line of the passage from the First Letter to the Corinthians, Chapter
13, used at millions of weddings each year: "Love is patient, love is
kind ...."
But
it also got into the nitty-gritty business of life when a man and a
woman leave their parents' home and try to make one of their own.
However, while it quoted from some of his past speeches on family life,
it did not include references to "plates flying" during arguments and
refrained from making mother-in-law jokes, as he has been known to do.
Pope
Francis reviewed the whole arc of married life from new and exciting
young love to old age, sitting on the porch watching the grandkids play.
"Young
love needs to keep dancing toward the future with immense hope," he
wrote. "Hope is the leaven that, in those first years of engagement and
marriage, makes it possible to look beyond arguments, conflicts and
problems and to see things in a broader perspective."
While
realistic about late nights and colic, the papal document is lyrical in
its reflections on the blessings and challenges of welcoming children
into families. He invited readers to join him standing in awe of God's
gift of children, marveling that "God allows parents to choose the name
by which he himself will call their child for all eternity."
Running
after toddlers, supervising homework, trying to figure out how to be
close to adolescents without smothering them and, finally, negotiating
the "empty nest" syndrome all feature in the papal text.
Reaching together the later stage of family life, he insisted, is possible and beautiful.
"Although
the body ages," he said, "it still expresses that personal identity
that first won our heart. Even if others can no longer see the beauty of
that identity, a spouse continues to see it with the eyes of love and
so his or her affection does not diminish."
The
path to the porch won't be easy, the pope wrote. But "each crisis has a
lesson to teach us; we need to learn how to listen for it with the ear
of the heart."
The
pope's hymn includes the twang of yearning for that perfect, forever
love. That yearning, present in most people from every culture and
religion, shows that a stable, faithful union is what responds to human
nature and to God's plan for humanity.
"Lovers
do not see their relationship as merely temporary," he wrote. "Those
who marry do not expect their excitement to fade. Those who witness the
celebration of a loving union, however fragile, trust that it will pass
the test of time."
To
turn that dream into reality, try a little tenderness, the pope
advised. Tenderness is a virtue "often overlooked in our world of
frenetic and superficial relationships."
A
loving gaze also is essential, he wrote. "How many things do spouses
and children sometimes do in order to be noticed! Much hurt and many
problems result when we stop looking at one another. This lies behind
the complaints and grievances we often hear in families: 'My husband
does not look at me; he acts as if I were invisible.' 'Please look at me
when I am talking to you!' 'My wife no longer looks at me, she only has
eyes for our children.'"
Pope
Francis' ballad on family love, life and loss urges Catholics to be
patient and merciful with themselves as well as with their spouses and
children. "No family drops down from heaven perfectly formed," so all
must learn to grow together, including by making frequent use of the
words, "Thank you," "please" and "sorry."
"The right words, spoken at the right time, daily protect and nurture love," the pope wrote.
Finding
the right words also is Pope Francis' exhortation to the church as a
whole. While standing up tall for the family, the church needs to stop
whining about how often its teaching on love and marriage is attacked,
he said. "We should not be trapped into wasting our energy in doleful
laments, but rather seek new forms of missionary creativity."
Family
life always has been challenging, the pope wrote. Just read the Bible,
which "is full of families, births, love stories and family crises."
But
the Bible, he said, also holds out the promise of "the goal of their
journey, when God 'will wipe away every tear from their eyes and death
shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning nor crying nor pain
anymore.'"
